In the summer before the pandemic, I’d begun boxing with more seriousness. But unlike Thailand—where joining a fight gym was a way of life and could easily consume entire days—in Budapest lessons were offered piecemeal. A few hours a week wasn’t enough. So I’d put on my twelve-ounce gloves and take out my aggression on the enormous ceramic furnace in my rented bedroom, aiming at the corner to approximate body shots and hooks. Each strike, loud and flush as a handclap, sent shockwaves through my arms and down my spine. Still, I kept digging at it, this unmovable object, until I felt my wrist begin to give under the stress.
I was fresh off six months of fight training, eager to return to Thailand for what I hoped would be my second Muay Thai bout. Between relationships—ending one in memory and beginning another in real time—I fell asleep and woke up to Lana Del Rey’s smoldering lo-fi torch song “Flipside.”
“Flipside,” written with Blake Stranathan, is a Del Rey rarity: never released on an album, and usually available only through fan-uploaded videos. The most familiar one features the cover of her album Ultraviolence, a black-and-white shot of the singer standing before a vintage Mercedes coupe, her gaze confrontational. The raw, minimalist image feels like an analog snap from a hot, uneventful summer where something should have happened but never did. A mugshot of youth, whose only crime was dwelling on heartache.
You can hardly call it a music video. More a kinetic film still: Del Rey contained by the frame, unmoving but alive. It works because the song is so emotionally potent that it needs nothing but a signature image. “Flipside” resonates in negative space—from the opening chords, high-tensile and precarious, like the breath held at the edge of a precipice before falling or righting yourself. The prowling bassline (the track has no drums) is taut with anticipation, damage waiting to happen. Its delicate structure becomes a web that catches every last overflow of pain, along with the self-importance that pain enables.
The terrain Del Rey explores on “Flipside” aligns less with contemporary pop divas and more with rogue artists like Greg Dulli and Sun Kil Moon, with a streak of LA noir that invokes Chandler, Welles, Veronica Lake, Charles Bukowski, James Ellroy, and any number of strip-club torch songs. Dangerous in her rawness. Vulnerable in her emotional violence.
To appreciate Lana Del Rey is, in many ways, to be a fan of American crime fiction. She didn’t fully come into her own until she moved to Southern California, though it always felt as if she had been writing LA noir since Born to Die. A new location can be liberating, and LA is a city alive with tragic narratives to inhabit. On Ultraviolence, she becomes less femme fatale than femme noir—a distillation of dark Americana. “Flipside” turns that violence inward: Are you gonna hurt me now / or are you gonna hurt me later? Few of her contemporaries—except perhaps Courtney Love—render emotional self-harm so convincingly. Pain hurts more in the hothouse of memory.
In Budapest, itself a noir city, I compulsively listened to the song while having an affair with a younger, taken woman. Rita, a writer and fellow cafe dweller, would sneak out of her boyfriend’s apartment to meet me in a cemetery or in the park behind the library. Everything felt urgent. With the prospect of a ring fight fading, I put that energy into her. Winning her felt like my own form of ruthlessness, a triumph both hollow and satisfying.
2.
Six months later, the world was in lockdown. Del Rey’s Southern California couldn’t have been farther from the icy Budapest winter. Rita and I had moved in together in the autumn. We both quickly realized this was a mistake we had rushed headlong into, and for me, the pain of it arrived almost immediately. Without the tension—the illicit danger—of her ex, the relationship collapsed under misaligned expectations and the claustrophobia of proximity.
I retreated into music, as I always did when suffering. Rita was intuitive enough to indulge this, buying Del Rey’s newly released Norman Fucking Rockwell! on vinyl for my birthday. Sometimes I wondered if she gave it to me as a substitute, knowing how much she disliked Del Rey.
Rita contributed a turntable to our life together, and I made good use of it. The album, pressed on pink vinyl, looked like a bubble-gum whirlpool. It reminded me of a scene—perhaps misremembered—from Haruki Murakami’s overlooked novel Sputnik Sweetheart, where a record needle devours a Louis Armstrong album like a greedy LA nose snorting an endless line of coke. Or maybe I’ve invented that memory. It feels appropriate either way.
The songs on Norman Rockwell are memoir-esque: distilled pathos without stooping to narrative. Untold backstory, suicide ideation, trauma bonding over the airwaves. Bring your own narrative, and it will fit. The story lies in the emotional unfolding—disintegrating and regenerating only to collapse again. Who owns the catharsis: the performer or the audience? During lockdown, narrative didn’t need to make sense. The world was paused; the music kept moving.
3.
One virtue of getting older is no longer needing to venerate artists for anything but talent. You don’t have to identify with or emulate anyone. It’s freeing—especially after years of disappointment with Morrissey. You can just admire Del Rey as a kind of bomber-pinup muse of destruction, equal parts Aphrodite and Kali. (America has always wanted to burst out of its monotheism—Joseph Smith to Scientology—hungering for more lore, more imagination, a Hollywood ending to religion.)
But in Rita, I encountered a stronger, more sexually assured force. Soon, I began to suffer. Training was impossible; my energy rerouted into masked distance runs. Without fighting, without writing, locked inside with an increasingly painful relationship, defeat turned inward.
So I filled the growing void with Del Rey. The album held dark pathos but also escape—sun, open air, California beaches. The pink vinyl was sensual: a slice of rare tenderloin, labial, a beautiful maw. There was no denying the sexuality of it. Maybe overplaying it was a small act of revenge, until Rita finally asked me not to play it when she was home.
In pain, I closed inward. Rita did the opposite—radiating outward, making friends, letting men believe they had a chance with her. She was more present for men she had no interest in than for me, the one sleeping in her bed. She was there, but absent.
4.
Are you gonna hurt me now? / Or are you gonna hurt me later?
I choose both, thanks.
Not long after lockdown ended—though too long, really—I moved out. I left Norman Fucking Rockwell! behind with Rita. Maybe as revenge, rejecting a gift I had internalized too deeply. But “Flipside” wasn’t something I could leave. It wasn’t tied to any album. It lived in the ether, or YouTube, re-uploaded whenever it vanished.
After moving to a larger apartment alone, the song took on new meaning, haunting but delicate, providing a template on how to love someone who wasn’t there.
In that dark Pest apartment, Del Rey’s voice felt like the haunted Santa Ana winds: alive with something beyond its elemental force. If it was invention, that was fine. Language is invention too, puffed with our own projections. A ghost is not an absence but what the absence generates—Spotify wrapped in a sheet with eyes cut out.
To get the song out of my head, I started outlining a novel inspired by it, filling it with my own heartache. Researching the title on Goodreads, I discovered the actor James Franco had already claimed Flipside for a book of interviews with Del Rey—real and invented—apparently hoping to conjure his own phantom muse. I never wrote my book. Franco’s was never released. Lana, present as she is as an object of inspiration, eluded both our interpretations.
In Mexico now, a place as carnal, violent, and haunted as any noir setting, “Flipside” drifts through me like a familiar ghost. I hear its echo in “La Llorona,” another song about loving what is beyond reach. But unlike before, the haunting feels companionable. Maybe that’s all a ghost is: our own impression in the shape of the departed. I’m alone, and for once it feels like presence—not absence—with only my sensitivity, and a single still from “Flipside,” keeping quiet watch.
More takes of woe and music in my 80´s memoir, Strange as Angels, for Kindle
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Matt Henderson Ellis 